And I fainted ;-P

My health condition continues to remain poor. And one fine fresh morning, the world turns blurred! I drink little bit water, open my eyes and world turns blurred again. This time quite intense. "Ahh! who the hell is interested in looking blurred things" I thought and I decide to close my eyes. The feeling after closing the eyes is exactly same as what I feel after taking my "sahaj samadhi" mantra! I choose go inwards into the world of bliss, peace and nothingness. When I open my eyes I see two people are lifting me! Opps! looks like I fainted! ;-P

It was strange experience to come back again in my senses! I slowly open my eyes. First thing that I see from bottom of my eyes is my own body. The clothes and body looks familiar! I give little strain on my memory thinking where did I see this before? In no time I recollect "Oh its me!". Oh I fainted! followed by concern "Am I fine!", "Am I safe!" When I figured out everything is pretty cool I had fishy smile of surprise "Oh man! I fainted! First time in my life, I fainted!" Strange thing was as I come back to my senses, I feel so calm and serene as if I just woke up after deep mediation/rest.

Question is where did I go when I fainted? I have not idea what happened to my body. Off-course it had fallen, but I didn't feel any pain neither I have any idea about how did it fall. I had no connection to my body whatsoever! But I was! I definitely was somewhere! I was existing! Though not associated to my body but I was! The experience was quiet similar to that of a mediation! Now another question arise where do I go when I meditate! Forget about it where do I go when I sleep? I am definitely not the body! I can and did exist without any connection to the body! Then what is it that is connecting me to this body right now?

Am I really my body? I was not connected to my body but I still WAS! Am I my five senses? I was not sensing anything but I still WAS! Am I my intellect which discriminates right and wrong? Nothing inside was discriminating anything! I was simply resting in peace, resting in blissful thoughtless state! Am I my memory? Ahh to my surprise I had no attachment to any person, object, event or anything when I fainted! Just a feeble acknowledgement that "Guru IS!". "Guru is" not in physical form but "Guru" as tatva/principal is! Just like I was! Am I my ego? :-D :-D There was no question of ego as I alone was! There was no one else to feel the ego! There was no concept of "world"! 

Then who exactly am I? Which existed! Which WAS! Who is it that was resting in peace? Who is it that is seeing the world through five senses? Who is it that is experiencing the concept called "world"?

Jai Gurudev,
Neha

Answer By Gurudev !

I can't resist myself from writing this post! Today it's not first time when Dinu (Dinesh Ghodke) behaved like Guru! I recall my advance course with Dinesh (Maitri hall at Ashram). The advance course was going superb. Satsang was going on. But I was not happy. I told Guruji in my mind that "All this is good Guruji! but you are not here! If you were here you would have sung me!" Immediately I don't know from where Dinesh comes on stage (till then I was not even aware that he was there in the hall) and start singing! I mean I have never heard him singing in any advance course ever! It was like Guruji is telling me where are you looking me? I am here right in front of you! My tears started rolling down out of contentment! As Guruji says "मुझ मे और ज्ञानी में भेद नहीं है!" 

The last Happiness course I have taught was in complete sickness! I was not able to walk comfortably, take warm-ups! But I am sure that none of my students could identify my health condition! That's the grace! Though I was very grateful to get an opportunity to teach course, what was bothering me is I couldn't attend Satsang! Finally on the last day of course, I plan to go to ashram with my course participants! :-D And imagine what happens?? We have not even started warm-ups and Guruji comes in car, and says "Hiii" to all of us! :D 

I am still surprised from where and how Dinesh miraculously come to take a session for course participants! Thanks to Rajni and Nivedita for organising this! It was just few days back when Dinu came on the last day of my own first Art Of Living course! (Called YES!+ at that time) Everything appears exactly like a dream! Imagine what happens next! Even today he talks on the same topic i.e. "Love"!  ;-)

I was sitting quietly in the end of participants wondering if this is dream or reality or what I think as reality is actually a dream! ;-) Wondering, how much of transformation has happened to me in just two and half years when I did my first Art Of Living course! I was feeling so grateful for this path and Guruji! But still I was stuck with last 6 days of satsangs that I had to miss! I really wanted to get answer from the guru for my last poem! (Refer http://chaitanyaneha.blogspot.in/2014/05/answer-me-gurudev.html) 

At one point of time I just told Guruji in my mind that "All this is fine Guruji but you didn't answer my question!" And here Dinesh, I don't know from where started recalling what Guruji told in satsangs which I had to miss because of evening course. I got excited! Something inside me gave me intuition that this must be the answer to my poem by Guru that he gave during last few satsangs! Dinesh says, Guruji told in satsang that "When you get doubt if I love you or not or if I am your guru then this doubt itself is a prove that it is! Because what do we doubt on? Positive or negative? If somebody says "I love you" we doubt on their love. But if somebody says "I hate you" We immediately reply back and saying "I hate you too" we do not doubt the negative. So if you are getting doubt feel good because there is surely something good and positive on the other side. Feel happy about your doubt! 

Love,

Neha